"Oh no!" says ye, an average student at a private, state, community, or vocational (see community) college. "This semester has begun, and we have run out of the Monopoly money and coupons with which we pay for school! What should I do?" Well, first off, ask for a refund because with the inflation of the Monopoly dollar these days, you should have gotten much more schooling for the amount you paid. Second, in the words of pre-political and baby-makin' Arnold Shwarzcheesburger as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin, "Stay cool." Or how about, "Let's kick some ice." Man, that movie was awful.
Career-killing ice puns aside, I can help you. I am Micah Smith, the Finance Whisperer. We can climb over this frosty mountain of school loans and confusion together. You will be my mountain goat. And I will be your little malnourished village boy who must kill you on a cold night to feed my family of 20. Where were my parents getting the energy? you may think. But most of the family is actually chickens. My mom just gets so easily attached. In fact, she'll be pissed about the mountain goat.
The most important thing to take care of when paying for college is getting the ALMIGHTY SCHOLARSHIPS. These are free money that you can use however you want, be it paying for tuition or financing your private space explorations and giant laser popcorn makers like on Real Genius with Val Kilmer. He was a much better Batman than George Clooney. Grr... Clooney.
Once you have fully stocked up on lasered-corn, you can start focusing on tuition itself. A lot of colleges will try to trick you with made-up terms to make you pay extra money. For instance, I had to pay for an "Auto Decal" for my car, but don't let that name fool you. They actually make you put the sticker on for yourself. If anything, I would consider that a "Manual Decal." So you might as well just assume that you'll have to pay another $15 to make someone put on the sticker for you. Instructional/Motivational writers don't "do" manual labor.
The next thing that you will have to invest in is a sweet bachelor pad. Also, it is important to note ahead of time that if you are married and in college, your house cannot be considered a "bachelor pad." Since their are multiple people living in the home, it should be referred to as a "BACHELORS pad." It's good to know you're plurals. While it is true that money cannot buy happiness, it can buy a diamond-studded pillow embroidered with the word "happiness," which is just as good. Again, this is a perfect time to grab that free scholarship money, go to Target's expensive-college-kid-section and go to town on that bad boy.
Lastly and least in importance, text books. Now, I wouldn't say that text books are a waste of money, per se. I would however say that text books are money-grabbing scheme by book publishers to get your Monopoly dollars. "What gives, great professor of all knowledge?" say ye. "We thought that text books were to aid in our learning process and to use as heavy folders in which all of your homework will be lost for centuries?" Well, yes and no. But mostly-to-entirely no. Text books are words on paper, correct? Words on paper that cost money. So what is stopping you from writing a text book and selling it yourself! You can text, and you most certainly can book! So from there on, the skies the limit. But no further than the sky. We don't want to block the shot from our giant laser popcorn makers. That would be regrettable.
In conclusion, scholarships free money blah blah, pay tuition continue blah, bachelor pad text book popcorn laser blah. Rinse and repeat two to eight times a year, and Shamazel! You're a world-class college-finisher, going about your business with the muckety-mucks of Wall Street, Hollywood, and Hollywood's twin sister of the Middle East, Dollywood.
That'll be 15 Monopoly dollars, please,
Micah Smith
